This is the last entry of this blog.




I have burned everything,
and he has now ceased to exist.


May these be the last words I write of him,
and the last you will read of me.







____________________________________________________
Kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
You know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time,
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.

-Jeff Buckley
____________________________________________________

Paano mo hahalikan ang isang bote ng beer?

Hahalikan mo ang isang bote ng beer
ng may pagsamba;
na ang bawat kilos papalapit dito
ay ang mga sigundong
natitira upang makamit ang sigla
at napipinting kahimlayan.

Hahalikan mo ang isang bote ng beer
ng may pagmamahal;
na ang pagbibilang ng araw ay papalapit
sa muling pagtikim sa kanyang likido,
ang bawat haplos at pagsuporta sa kanyang katawan
ang tagal na hinintay upang siya ay ulit na maaruga.

Ang bote ng beer na kay tagal ninais pagsilbihan
ng aking pagkatao at kamalayan,
ang bote ng beer na kay tagal
ninais yakapin at yapus-yapusin,
ay isa lamang sa libo-libong pinapangarap
suyuin ng aking mga labi;

Ang kanyang mga bulang nililigaw ng hangin
patungo sa dakong himpapawid,
na ang pangarapin ang kanyang pagdampi
sa aking kalamnan ay hindi lubusang matanggap
kahit ng aking mga mata, pisngi, at palad,
na mawala.

Ngunit aanhin ang bote ng beer
na sagaran nang binukbok ng panahon,
ang tansan na tadtad sa kalawang,
at ang nag-aanimo'y kulay lupang nilalaman nito;
ang spirito na tuluyan nang naglaho?

Patuloy ko itong sasambahin
at pilit na pag-aalayan ng sarili
sa isang mundong binalot ko
ng pag-asa para sa kanya;
Ang mundo kung saan ako at ako lamang
ang makakaintindi
kung paano ito aanihin nang mabuti
at muli siyang maipagtataguyod.



----------------------------------------------------------
People try to look for happiness as a means of getting by.
I don't try to find happiness.
I just try to get by.
----------------------------------------------------------



excerpts from Melancholy of the Untitled

The Outline of Our Lives.

Sunday Grocery Day: I went to the supermarket to stack up my grocery bin, and ended up lost as I've ever been in my entire life. I've been walking around for ten minutes, just passing the aisles where I'm supposed to be buying my stuff, and then I realized that I didn't have any basket or push cart on which I'd put everything in. I was like that the whole time I was there, then I got a call. I had to meet up with a friend in Greenbelt to help her out with her thesis. I passed by the usual hangout and saw more of my friends there. I went home after midnight and fell asleep.

Monday Groggy Time: I woke up at seven in the morning, still wondering why I couldn't get enough sleep. We ate lunch and started building my friend's website and forums. I helped her out until she started defending that night. We all ate dinner after.

Tuesday Whappakers Daytime: I woke up at seven to get my course cards from my elective class and submit my thesis documentation. I thought things were going to be better, but then my sister called overseas. She was crying and she wanted me to get her kids from her husband who couldn't take care of them. I was shocked, and speechless; I had to take care of them, but I just got out of college! It's just one of those days where your life does a 360 without noticing it. I had to make arrangements and preparations, but the one thing I regret most: I knew that with this responsibility, there were a lot of things at stake, and there were a lot of things I had to let go, to take care of my family.

Tuesday Night Citrus: I talked to a couple of people who mattered to decisions I had to take; texted my batchmates about what happened that day, and went out to hang out with friends I haven't seen for awhile; to do things I've never had the freedom to do in a long time. I went home a little tipsy from drinking vodka, ate an early breakfast and went to sleep.

Wednesday Thinking Day: I woke up at seven in the morning, took a bath, woke my friend and by 8am, I was on my way to Makati for a scholarship test to a new multimedia school somewhere near Makati Avenue. I didn't know the school was open only half day and that our course cards were to be given out that morning so I had to rush from Makati to meet up with my classmates and professors. I went back to Makati for another meet.

Thursday Rest Day: I don't know why but still, I woke up at seven in the morning, and went back to sleep, but I kept waking up every thirty minutes so I decided to start archiving more than 300gb files in my computer so that I'd get something done.

I ended up blogging.

There were a lot of things to be done. I have to give complete commitment to my family for emergencies and complete rest (my hemoglobin count not getting any better). I need to be strong alone, and on my own, so I could find myself once again, and help my family. I know it doesn't sound right, but there were a lot of things I've been through, and no matter how much faith you put into those who committed themselves to you, they sometimes tend to walk away, and eventually falter.

I think I've reached a decision, and a plan in my life. It seems blurry, I think it's what they call "post-graduate crisis", if such a term exists. I'm better this way, though, or so I think. I'm willing to make changes that allow me much more freedom and reciprocated commitment earned through friendship and time spent well together...

But I'll never forget the things that made me who I am, or provoked me to be who I was. I've learned a lot from them, and I'll never look back at them with remorse, rather with an understanding that this was how it was supposed to be done, and these were inevitable occurrences of the unexpected.

Please don't hate me for this, as the devoted attachment I've had for you despite my thesis, exhibit, and family responsibilites as a working student for the past months is something I'll treasure because these were times I spent in learning to respect all of you.

"She comes up another time,
and she really really doesn't care,
that I can't keep time or the rhythm straight
'cause it's one thing she don't dare,
and it's alright, I drop the line,
now it's one thing to be free.
Well I never really had a thing for that,
but it's everything I need."
-Neve

Memoirs.

I earn my own money for my own bills, to pay my f*cking tuition to one of the most expensive schools in the country, and to buy the grocery. For someone at my age, that f*cking says a lot.

I swore to God I will change, and that I will never do anything to insult anyone, to hurt anybody, or to threaten any living being who wants to exist in this human refugee camp we all call earth.

Sometimes, it takes so much energy to do just that. I've had a very violent past, and I think I could handle any pressure, but not physical, growing up with parents who almost beat you up with thick leather belts and thick microphone wires all because they wanted you to learn how to sing, and to act because they wanted you to become one of those child stars. Traumatically, they almost succeeded. Did I mention locking you up with rats crawling on wires just above your head? Geez, all I wanted was a cup of ice cream and a bar of chocolate, but every time I'd try to grab one, they'd punish me because they said it was bad for my artist training.

I guess it's something I have to learn; not to physically fight back when being hit, or just to keep my mouth shut rather than further damage anything anymore, for that matter.

So I'll just cry instead. People think it would be so weak of me, but I don't care. I'd rather they'd think I'm weak than hurt them.

Yes, a natural-born martyr.

Sad, but true.

The saddest part is, no one ever knew I had that kind of a past.

So I visited an exhibit opening tonight (which of course, was required, being an external class activity), went for a tiring walk from Buendia to Edsa, along Chino Roces / Pasong Tamo street, and drank all the beer I could physically succumb to.

Now, this.

YM STATUS: May mga minamahal ako sa buhay. Isa ka na roon, pero ganon talaga eh. Sayang. Wala sana tayong kasing-lupet.

Actually, this is for someone who's really special to me, but this is how I generally feel, so I guess this implies to just about everything right now.

Right, just right. It's as tipsy as I could ever want to get.

Hopefully, when I get sober, out the drain this BS goes as well.

For now, cold water in the shower.

Relivin' the Reggae Vibe and lovin' it...

It's been years since I last went to a reggae gig. It felt superficial to be dancing to one of them grooves again, but the night ended in depression rather than the ambitioned feeling of relief.

I realized that all the wrong things that I never wanted to happen to me, happened. Not all the extremes, though...mas marami yung sa panlalait. That's why I swore, tonight, I will try not to misjudge anyone anymore, neither would I give out foul comments on certain things, unless provoked.

It seems that a lot of things in life that I wanted to happen, did not happen. That's when I got disappointed, and finally admitted to myself that I still haven't forgiven myself for my past; the shitty things I did to myself, and letting the "Claire Fischer" syndrome get to me.

She's somewhere here, wanting to move to higher idyllic preferences of passion in love and in life.

I will reconcile with her one day, though. Hopefully, in four weeks.

I will let everything go, and think about a lot of things that I haven't done, and what I choose to do in the future, given the options I still have. I will be gone for a long time, and go back when I know the answers.

Then again, I will never know the answers, no one will. So I can't disappear and make life-changing acts to reinstate the sanity I used to have...

But I think my mind would be clearer to commit life-changing acts that could somehow put an end to this depression, and keep whatever's left of my sanity.

I am nervous of this because I don't think I'd actually have the courage to do things right from the start again.

I have this habit of breaking my life into chapters.

One month, I'd be doing this. The next month, that.

After every year, I try to look back at my life, and I can say that even if I have all these hang-ups, I know, not one person could have done what I have done in my lifetime...

But hey, like the Great Jah Ruler repeats in them songs:

"Everything's gonna be all right now, everything's gonna be all right..." - Bob Marley

Let. Go.

I remember watching "Jeepers Creepers" and there's a part where the older sibling (sister) sort of warned her younger brother not to go into the hole where the monstrous antagonist dumped the humans it killed. She goes like, "You know that part in the movie where someone does something stupid and everybody hates him for it? That's what you're doing right now."

Well, I got one line to myself: "You know that time in your life when you think you're doing something right, but then you tried doing something better, and end up running for the rest of your life for it? Uh...yeah."

That's exactly the only thing I have to say tonight.

Let it be.
Go against the flow.

Beauty and Madness

over there, just beneath the moon
there's a man with a burden to keep.
now sleep will fall washout rags n' paper bags.
homes and lives passing by.

who will see the beauty in your life?
and who will be there to hear you when you call?
who will see the madness in your life?
and who will be there to catch you if you fall?

now dreams run wild, as lovers find their way
through the night, not a care in the world.
and over there, over the twinkling of the lights
harbor lights, say goodnight one more time.

who will see the beauty in you life?
and who will be there to hear you when you call?
who will see the madness in your life?
and who will be there to catch you if you fall?

-Fra Lippo Lippi

Put@ng in@.

Tama sinabi ng friend ko, wala atang term na hindi niya ako nakitang hindi umiyak.

Andami kong gustong murahin, andami kong gustong...tirisan na parang tigyawat.

Nagpakatino nakong tao eh, kaso sabe ko Lord, kung pahihirapan niyo lang pa rin ako, maggagago na lang ulit ako. Mukhang mali desisyon ko kasi lalong lumala at gumulo buhay. So ngayon, sabi ko papakatino na ulit ako, sana huwag na niya akong pagbuhusan ng galit.

Ewan.

Early Morning Stampede in Relation to Art.

I woke up to the Wowowee stampede aired on a news channel my brother switched onto, which he set to maximum volume. I found out that this happened as early as six o'clock in the morning as someone shouted "BOMB!". Of course, it caused great panic so the people just ran in different directions, looking for the nearest exit.

Then it made me think, why would people want to watch the show's first anniversary celebration? They wanted to be starstruck? They want to help ABS-CBN defeat the undisputable channel where Eat Bulaga aired? OR was it because the millions of prizes they give out during the show?

Poverty indeed has played a major role in third-world countries. It has claimed lives. It will continue to, and I think its hunger has just increased to those lives it claimed this morning.

Clear enough, what we need is change, and I think that's typically an evolutionary step most people fail to develop sometimes. We have the habit of procrastinating certain actions that could pertain to interpersonal growth, consoled in “taking their time” and spending it unwisely on hanging out and puffing the lungs out in designated smoking areas.

As someone studying in an art school, students should be educated not just by their teacher-practitioners, but by the environment they choose to dwell in.

Art, as our main interest in school, should not be just an expression of angst, or random flow of emotions, it is supposed to be well-planned.

In relation to what happened this morning, the real challenge that we, as a Filipino people, ought to think twice about is how to precisely interpret the different socio-economic matters to those who can afford assistance.

This is how each artist’s craft, and a people's nation, should be maintained and extravagantly expressed.

Under Its Influence.

The past few days have been awfully hard for me, and as I near the middle of my last term in school, I fear that money I've been earning is not sufficient for my academic needs, especially when you go to the type of school who loves to hold art exhibits at the expense of their students.

"I was always scared that I wasn't ready..." - Nate Fischer

I just watched Six Feet Under, season five's finale and true enough, as most of my friends have said that I do take on the personality of Claire Fischer. I do find it impossible sometimes, though, to actually see myself in her character, but I do glimpse a little of her mislead ideals and unending passion for what she seeks to become. I do feel her regrets in life, her aspirations, and most of all, her hang-ups from decisions she failed to ask advice on.

Six Feet Under is one of my favorite TV shows, but I have not watched all of the episodes yet...mainly because I always didn't have the time, and that it made me cry a lot. It had a simple storyline, but it was universal as keeping the family together, and making it strong enough to make you go through your ordeals, but as painstakingly real as showing you how not all of it can happen at all...and it was after watching it I realized that I have that burden.

I have that eternal burden of keeping my family together and making them strong enough to go through our ordeals together.

I can never do that right if I didn't let go of all my hang-ups, my regrets, or even the fear of what lies ahead in my life, and until now I'm still figuring out a way to make it all work.

"You can't stay here," Nate said to Claire when she was about to back out on leaving her house and on her way to New York.

Dang, that sounded like a good plan.

It was the best one I ever heard.

...of amusing circumstances.

I find it amusing to look back at the year 1998 and find myself in CCP as one of the glee club members fronting for an australian teenage group of performers touring different countries as part of their learning process...and to find myself in PICC, 7 years later, an usherette to yet another foreign group called The Stylistics. The funny thing was, I knew the australian performance back in 1998 was in CCP but it didn't look the same whenever I visited the place so I waved it off and thought it was probably in PICC, and just several days ago when I went there to be an usherette, I swear I thought we changed venue 7 years ago from CCP and performed in PICC instead. Then just now, I couldn't figure it out anymore so I took a look at the artist pass I had back then. True enough, it was in CCP that we performed in 1998. I found all this peculiar because it was only then it hit me how memories are seen differently every time you try to remember them, and the slightest change in detail of where it all happened could make me go berserk.

I did have fun being an usherette, it was an all-new experience I wouldn't dare miss out on again. I saw a lot of things happen: audiences raising their voices to complain so that others can witness their complaint and flaunt their power to complain that's why they complain (--say what?!), customers putting on poker faces, or smiling too much because they have to return your greeting that's actually part of your job, and not your mutual willingness to greet people, and those who treat us like anything lower than their pets at home. I saw a woman who started making a scene in the middle of the show because of problems they had with their seat numbers and hail an usher as if she was gesturing to her own personal slave. It was a big problem, though, but something which did not require a lot of other people's attention; something that could have been easily solved without creating much of a scene. All I can say is that people who treat ushers and usherettes like that are garbage. Between shows and intermissions, which is mostly during our breaks, we talk about you, we b!tch about you, and you don't know how low we think of you. People who make a living out of being ushers and usherettes are decent individuals who just sometimes try to make both ends meet, yet some are rich enough to buy you, but humble enough not to let everyone know of their social status because they wanted to experience living a normal and simple life without the leisure of living under their parents' shadow. The least you could do is try acting like normal and decent human beings, even if you paid a large amount of money to watch a show.

I'm proud I was able to be an usherette for just a couple of days though, and I'm looking forward to having more of this kind of work. You get to greet people and smile at them a lot. It's a great feeling...it's different. It's simple and yet exhilirating; like watching Stargate Atlantis but feeling melancholic afterwards. Weird, but I like that kind of mixed emotions. Yeah, I love it. Someday soon, I hope I get to do this again...it's hard but it's fun, and you get to meet a lot of new people...yeah, I really like that.