It's been years since I last went to a reggae gig. It felt superficial to be dancing to one of them grooves again, but the night ended in depression rather than the ambitioned feeling of relief.
I realized that all the wrong things that I never wanted to happen to me, happened. Not all the extremes, though...mas marami yung sa panlalait. That's why I swore, tonight, I will try not to misjudge anyone anymore, neither would I give out foul comments on certain things, unless provoked.
It seems that a lot of things in life that I wanted to happen, did not happen. That's when I got disappointed, and finally admitted to myself that I still haven't forgiven myself for my past; the shitty things I did to myself, and letting the "Claire Fischer" syndrome get to me.
She's somewhere here, wanting to move to higher idyllic preferences of passion in love and in life.
I will reconcile with her one day, though. Hopefully, in four weeks.
I will let everything go, and think about a lot of things that I haven't done, and what I choose to do in the future, given the options I still have. I will be gone for a long time, and go back when I know the answers.
Then again, I will never know the answers, no one will. So I can't disappear and make life-changing acts to reinstate the sanity I used to have...
But I think my mind would be clearer to commit life-changing acts that could somehow put an end to this depression, and keep whatever's left of my sanity.
I am nervous of this because I don't think I'd actually have the courage to do things right from the start again.
I have this habit of breaking my life into chapters.
One month, I'd be doing this. The next month, that.
After every year, I try to look back at my life, and I can say that even if I have all these hang-ups, I know, not one person could have done what I have done in my lifetime...
But hey, like the Great Jah Ruler repeats in them songs:
"Everything's gonna be all right now, everything's gonna be all right..." - Bob Marley
