Under Its Influence.

The past few days have been awfully hard for me, and as I near the middle of my last term in school, I fear that money I've been earning is not sufficient for my academic needs, especially when you go to the type of school who loves to hold art exhibits at the expense of their students.

"I was always scared that I wasn't ready..." - Nate Fischer

I just watched Six Feet Under, season five's finale and true enough, as most of my friends have said that I do take on the personality of Claire Fischer. I do find it impossible sometimes, though, to actually see myself in her character, but I do glimpse a little of her mislead ideals and unending passion for what she seeks to become. I do feel her regrets in life, her aspirations, and most of all, her hang-ups from decisions she failed to ask advice on.

Six Feet Under is one of my favorite TV shows, but I have not watched all of the episodes yet...mainly because I always didn't have the time, and that it made me cry a lot. It had a simple storyline, but it was universal as keeping the family together, and making it strong enough to make you go through your ordeals, but as painstakingly real as showing you how not all of it can happen at all...and it was after watching it I realized that I have that burden.

I have that eternal burden of keeping my family together and making them strong enough to go through our ordeals together.

I can never do that right if I didn't let go of all my hang-ups, my regrets, or even the fear of what lies ahead in my life, and until now I'm still figuring out a way to make it all work.

"You can't stay here," Nate said to Claire when she was about to back out on leaving her house and on her way to New York.

Dang, that sounded like a good plan.

It was the best one I ever heard.

...of amusing circumstances.

I find it amusing to look back at the year 1998 and find myself in CCP as one of the glee club members fronting for an australian teenage group of performers touring different countries as part of their learning process...and to find myself in PICC, 7 years later, an usherette to yet another foreign group called The Stylistics. The funny thing was, I knew the australian performance back in 1998 was in CCP but it didn't look the same whenever I visited the place so I waved it off and thought it was probably in PICC, and just several days ago when I went there to be an usherette, I swear I thought we changed venue 7 years ago from CCP and performed in PICC instead. Then just now, I couldn't figure it out anymore so I took a look at the artist pass I had back then. True enough, it was in CCP that we performed in 1998. I found all this peculiar because it was only then it hit me how memories are seen differently every time you try to remember them, and the slightest change in detail of where it all happened could make me go berserk.

I did have fun being an usherette, it was an all-new experience I wouldn't dare miss out on again. I saw a lot of things happen: audiences raising their voices to complain so that others can witness their complaint and flaunt their power to complain that's why they complain (--say what?!), customers putting on poker faces, or smiling too much because they have to return your greeting that's actually part of your job, and not your mutual willingness to greet people, and those who treat us like anything lower than their pets at home. I saw a woman who started making a scene in the middle of the show because of problems they had with their seat numbers and hail an usher as if she was gesturing to her own personal slave. It was a big problem, though, but something which did not require a lot of other people's attention; something that could have been easily solved without creating much of a scene. All I can say is that people who treat ushers and usherettes like that are garbage. Between shows and intermissions, which is mostly during our breaks, we talk about you, we b!tch about you, and you don't know how low we think of you. People who make a living out of being ushers and usherettes are decent individuals who just sometimes try to make both ends meet, yet some are rich enough to buy you, but humble enough not to let everyone know of their social status because they wanted to experience living a normal and simple life without the leisure of living under their parents' shadow. The least you could do is try acting like normal and decent human beings, even if you paid a large amount of money to watch a show.

I'm proud I was able to be an usherette for just a couple of days though, and I'm looking forward to having more of this kind of work. You get to greet people and smile at them a lot. It's a great feeling...it's different. It's simple and yet exhilirating; like watching Stargate Atlantis but feeling melancholic afterwards. Weird, but I like that kind of mixed emotions. Yeah, I love it. Someday soon, I hope I get to do this again...it's hard but it's fun, and you get to meet a lot of new people...yeah, I really like that.