I earn my own money for my own bills, to pay my f*cking tuition to one of the most expensive schools in the country, and to buy the grocery. For someone at my age, that f*cking says a lot.
I swore to God I will change, and that I will never do anything to insult anyone, to hurt anybody, or to threaten any living being who wants to exist in this human refugee camp we all call earth.
Sometimes, it takes so much energy to do just that. I've had a very violent past, and I think I could handle any pressure, but not physical, growing up with parents who almost beat you up with thick leather belts and thick microphone wires all because they wanted you to learn how to sing, and to act because they wanted you to become one of those child stars. Traumatically, they almost succeeded. Did I mention locking you up with rats crawling on wires just above your head? Geez, all I wanted was a cup of ice cream and a bar of chocolate, but every time I'd try to grab one, they'd punish me because they said it was bad for my artist training.
I guess it's something I have to learn; not to physically fight back when being hit, or just to keep my mouth shut rather than further damage anything anymore, for that matter.
So I'll just cry instead. People think it would be so weak of me, but I don't care. I'd rather they'd think I'm weak than hurt them.
Yes, a natural-born martyr.
Sad, but true.
The saddest part is, no one ever knew I had that kind of a past.
So I visited an exhibit opening tonight (which of course, was required, being an external class activity), went for a tiring walk from Buendia to Edsa, along Chino Roces / Pasong Tamo street, and drank all the beer I could physically succumb to.
Now, this.
YM STATUS: May mga minamahal ako sa buhay. Isa ka na roon, pero ganon talaga eh. Sayang. Wala sana tayong kasing-lupet.
Actually, this is for someone who's really special to me, but this is how I generally feel, so I guess this implies to just about everything right now.
Right, just right. It's as tipsy as I could ever want to get.
Hopefully, when I get sober, out the drain this BS goes as well.
For now, cold water in the shower.
