in this life ...

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better.
And some have gone, and some remain.

Dave Matthews Band's version of it brings me back to the first time I saw it on a local television channel in the early 90's, Bette Midler was singing, as part of a movie called "For The Boys".

I think I'm suffering from what you call an early 20's crisis, if such a term actually existed. I felt like I've done so many crazy things and so many wacky stunts at the age of 17. The irony is, now that I'm 4 years older, I feel like I haven't done the things that still need attention.

I'm still scared of places where I can see right through the next floor, especially when people or cars are moving under it, and I am still fond of playing with stuff toys, especially Stitch...things I never wanted to do when I was youngER.

All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall.
Some are dead and some are living.
In my life I've loved them all.

There were times of depression, which was made up of almost 75% of my life, with people coming, staying for a few years, and leaving for good. Some people just wanted to pass by, some decided to stay until now. Some of them I can't even remember how they looked like.

I remember watching Highlander when I was in fifth grade. It's been so long I've forgotten if it was one of the movies or the series, but if I recall it right, there was one scene where MacLeod brought his 80+ year old wife outside to talk for awhile. She was near death and MAcleod wanted her to see how the outside looked like while having their last conversation. The wife noticed noticed how he didn't age at all, and I think Macleod just smiled. He then buried her after she died, left the place, and went to where he could move on with his life.

It's just weird sometimes, when from the start you can have all the time in the world, and yet feel that it's not enough even if almost a decade has passed. I'm only 20, and I feel this way. I couldn't begin to imagine if immortals actually existed in this world; the trauma, the depression...such remorse and agony.

But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compares with you.
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.

But sometimes, some people who stay do make a lot of difference even in the shortest amount of time. There were people whom I thought I could share a lifetime with, but now, I don't even know if they're still alive.

Changes. Evolution. Satisfaction doesn't come easy for people who live in the fast lane. They...we...tend to always crave for something new, something exhilirating and more dangerous. We're like fools who want the best, but doesn't realize it until it's gone. Yeah, we're the whole population of shitheads who just don't know when
to stop sometimes.

Though I know I'll never ever lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them.
In my life I love you more.

With all the things I have done, and with all the crap I've put myself through, there are things that I'll never forget: people I know I could go home to, and people I still love.

What people don't see sometimes is that it really doesn't matter if you stay long enough or not, sometimes you just have to make that difference, even for that split second in that someone's life, and sometimes...just sometimes, it could worth living a lifetime for.

on oysters and CSIs...

There's always a certain hint of poetry with the way CSI handles murder cases scientifically. May it be William Petersen, David Caruso, or Gary Sinise. From the professional night work in Las Vegas, the marshes that surround Miami, and to the crazy politics of the very infamous New York.

My brother taught me that intellectual people are fond of intellectual games and puzzles during their rest time. He said that practicing your mind with a lighter load of problem solving during a break makes your mind more flexible when you go back to work. Chess, for example. You don't play chess for a living, it's just a game you play. Of course, if athletics is your life, then that's a whole new totally concept ~_^

There was also this conversation I had with one of my friends, a comparison of all three CSI series. They were debating on what was more artsy, or which one gave more emotion, etc. It was kind of hard on my part because I liked all three. There was this episode, though, about transvestites that totally changed my perspective. This
episode just made me respect them even more.

I then realized that CSI is more than just portraying a certain aura: the wild life in Las Vegas, the depressing swamps in Miami (I feel melancholic when it comes to bodies of water), and the monotonic feel (colors) to New York's episodes.

I guess it's just any other art form that tries to portray itself through the murder cases; the type of shows that show the real meaning of life through death.

It's like watching HBO's Six Feet Under (that I miss watching so much), but on a different setting and a totally different timeline. It's all about life, and its appreciation of its own true and perfect sense.


There are two types of male oysters,
and one of them can change gender at will;
and before man crawl out of the muck(?),
maybe he had the same option.
Maybe originally, we were supposed
to be able to switch gender,
and being born with just one sex,
is a mutation.

~Grissom

...the kind of lines I'd use as my signature.

============================================================
A dose of marijuana can actually take away your depression,
but people tell me that too much of it can cause depression
even when you're not taking it anymore...HA!
Now, that...is one helluva sh!t to deal with it.
============================================================

====================================
When do you step over the edge,
and say you are a renewed person?
Is it when you stop smoking, stop
drinking, and stop taking drugs,
or is it when you stop magnetizing
all the wrong people?
====================================

=============================================
why does Jeff Buckley's "Last goodbye"
make people cry? Sorry I just had to ask.
Listening to it has become a very contagious
act and I'm beginning to get irritated.
=============================================

===================================
Someone told me that you only
have either yourself, or the
other person as your enemy.
I think he's right.
The enemy is either him, or me,
and everyone else stays neutral.
So I guess you don't win a fight
by choosing who's better,
you just have to find out
who you're fighting with.
===================================


wtf ... say what!?

Time Space Warp.

I swear, there have been more than a zillion times I've heard this song that just makes me want to reminisce the good old days back when I was still a student dj, in this radio station in Novaliches.

There was an episode in Quantum Leap, a very old TV series that I used to watch when I was in elementary, probably around third grade. There was an ending when Scott Bakula and his wife (I think...) were looking up at the night sky and was looking at the same star, despite the time differences they were experiencing (the protagonist was leaping through time). In that moment, they felt like they connected. Oh, and they were also able to communicate through a hologram that visits him in whatever time Scott Bakula was in.

There's this song: Hands To Heaven, by Breathe, it was one of the favorite songs of one of my friends in the radio station. Everytime I hear it, I find myslf looking at either the sky or the ceiling, and it usually gets played when I'm at the lowest point in my life...haha, whatta load full of crap, I know.

It's just that whenever I hear this song, it makes me feel like I was hearing it for the first time, with all the good and bad memories flooding my brain, but as if nothing actually happened in between them. It's like that episode in Quantum Leap when both of them looked up at the same star, it was as if they were reunited in that split second.

Yeah, yeah... a whole lotta emotional sh!t. HA! I could even make a video of the whole song with me in it.

Starting from the time when I was handling the console, to one of those low moments when the song would suddenly play out of nowhere, whether in the mall, the jeep, or the fx that I seldom ride...even the LRT. Yes, out of a thousand trips I've made in my lifetime, there was this one time that they were playing a song...and yes, you guessed it right.

Guess what again? It's playing right now.

Alright, that's it...'till next time's dump of ma crap on your brain :D

tUrNiNg tHe LiGhTs dOwN LoW

I remember the first time I cried my heart out for this song; Bob Marley's version of "Turn Your Lights Down Low". It was already sunrise and I could see its rays seeping through the opening in the curtains back in ma old house. I fell asleep listening to the song the night before and woke up to it when the alarm rang that morning. I think I was supposed to go to class at that time...the last day of my tormenting 7am-9pm class schedule that happens once a week. I had to finish and submit everything so I'd pass the term...but I stayed in bed, all day. God, it was this feeling of remorse that came over me, wishing that I could just remain hidden behind the curtains and just stay out of the sun's rays that almost cut the room in two, like a vampire hidden in the shadows...but yeah, like them say: there are bills to pay, and trains to catch, words to say, and eggs to hatch...bwahahahaha... that's the lamest rhyme I've heard in my entire life. Well, next to my friend's neverending quest to perfect the hippity-hop lingo, that is.

Right... where was I? I'm listening to the song's jazz version right now, off Lee Ritenour's produced album way, way back in 2001 (A Twist of Marley). Actually, it makes me relax, not all tensed up and wishing to cry my heart out once again.

There's a line that goes "You know I love you and I want you to know right now 'cos I want to give you some love. I want to give you some good, good looooovin'..." The song is so relaxin' you don't ever want it to end. Well, I don't. It's been on loop for more than a day while I do my acad stuff.

Thinking back to that time when I was crying my heart out, I'm not sure if I was all tearful because of the lyrics or was it just because of the melancholic beat of the song? Is it because it's about a love that you want to give, but no one's worthy enough to receive it?

... or do I mean no one stays long enough to receive it entirely?

Yeah...I think that sounded almost right.

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The moon calls me from beneath the yielding stars,
the rain slowly engulfing me in its wretched embrace.
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