I rode the bus traveling from Las Piñas to Taft Avenue, but I got off too quickly so in the dark, I walked almost half of Buendia to where I rode a jeep around 10-15 minutes later. Funny thing was, I wanted to keep on walking not until I get to my house, but even farther. Any place where my feet would take me. I wish I could walk my way out of this misery. Hahaha. That really sounded melodramatic...that's a load of crappy lines.
Anyway, I did feel a little melancholic while walking. I was thinking of just running into the middle of the street, stopping to lie there so that the high-speeding buses won't see me in time for them to break. Jeez, I'm turning suicidal. The truth is, I've never been this helpless. Last time I was this depressed, I knew I could cope with things. I was thinking I was going to have a better life in this new system I was gonna enroll myself into for education, a whole new sets of friends I wanted to meet, and a new standard of self-proclaimed confidence. There's just one problem, it's been almost two and a half years since that forced change of optimism and like gas refilling a car, I'm running out of places to get my resources from...and that no matter how much I want to convince myself that I'm doing better, I've never had this strong an urge to let go.
Let go of everything.
Every single thing.
Even life itself.
Damn.
But I can't.
I've never been this helpless in my life. My sanity's being torn apart with all the pressure coming from my parents, my family's health, my health, my _______ deadlines, my __________ crap, and my thesis. People coming and leaving...oh, and this temporary psychosis my friend told me that your mind goes into when you don't get enough sleep, which is not so temporary anymore since I've been sleeping at 2 o'clock am, and waking up at 5 o'clock in the morning for more than a year now. I wish I was a student. No, I am a student. I wish I could stay and dwell in being a student, and be problematic about nothing but my academics.
Hayy. I'm going to stop whining now. No matter how hard I try, I'm not getting poetic enough to write anything moving right now.
Did you say "no, this
can't happen to me,"
and did you rush to
the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind
in the back of your mind
saying, "maybe... you
didn't know him at all."
-Jeff Buckley
